Thursday, 23 July 2009

Holiday ! Celebrate !

I've read this hilarious article in my weekly mag : I will try to translate some of it put a smile on my face when I read it ...

Stay home ! The merriest holiday tips !

Where shall we spend our holiday this year ? If this is a question that pops up several times a year whilst sitting at the kitchen table, you belong to 9% of the population that can afford an annual holiday.
It al starts with choosing your destination. Flipping through a pile brochures seems like a fun thing to do with the whole family. If you agree with the previous sentence, you've probably never looked into one !
Experienced holiday-travellers know that a manuscript of 'Ulysses' by James Joyce is easier to read than an average travel-brochure. For example, if the hotel mentions 'beach within walking distance' that probably means you are supposed to be used to walk/run the 10 miles of Antwerp each year ! Friendly staff means the waiters won't spit in your food before serving and Children's animation could be just a rusty swing hidden away somewhere near a busy road or your children will be supervised by a 17 year old Vicki Pollard kinda girl that giggled her way into the job.
Some of us think they can bypass these problems by sleeping in a tent on a camping ; grow up !
It's ok to camp out when you're 12, not when you're 36 unless you are homeless, victim of an act of God or you belong to a Bedouin tribe.
If you're in the hotel business the golden rule = the guest must have the feeling he's the first person ever to enter and sleep in (t)his room.
This counts for every kind of hotel ; 5 ***** or B&B.
Nevertheless, this has nothing to do with luxury but everything with providing a safe, clean and comfortable environment. Luxury defines the price of a hotel room ; maintenance, pureness and hygiene the quality.
I've slept in hotelrooms where the carpet came right out of a Nord-African prison cell and in a London 3*** hotel I found a pile of porn magazines and balls of used Kleenex...In an Amsterdam hotel I found some soap in the bathroom with enough hair on it to make a 'toupet'.
Ew !!
Luckily hygiene is absolute priority to most hotels.
Could we make a deal not to pee in the pool please ?
I'm sure you are all thinking to yourselves ; been there, done it !
OK, I admit, I've done some pee-pee too - mea culpa !
But I stopped once I found out what's also to be found in swimming accomodations.
Saliva, tissue, tallow, that time of the month-leftovers, sweat, slime, hairs, nose-droppings and cosmetics.
You see, there's enough to fill the pool with ; we don't need your input !
Can you understand why chlorine was ever invented ?
Who had this massive idea in ever inventing the tanga (bikini) ??
Sure some of us can get away with this little piece of fabric but realise for every nice butt there are 25 ugly ones !!
And thongs for men are a no-no !! We are not even going to discuss that !
Food !
Never EVER enter a restaurant that has pictures of food displayed on it's window !
It only means your illiterate, illegal Albanian sous-chef only knows what dish he must take out of the freezer to warm up in his microwave !!
Also avoid restaurants where they presume you are German.
Germans are known to be the wealthiest European citizans and pay twice as much as any other European !
Always ask for a seat/table near the window ; people passing by always look at what you are eating and the cook will make sure the biggest steak is to be seen on YOUR plate.
Holiday sex !
Statistics say that heterosexual women older than 25, decide to have sex on holiday.
75% sleeps with hotel staff ; only 10% with another tourist.
Heterosexual men older than 25, decide to have some international 'rumpy pumpy' with 99,99% of any woman that is up for it. Hiding the salami is a popular game abroad !
Horror Horror !
Nothing can bother me more than compatriots who want to talk to me - no matter what !
As long as it stays innocent and the chit-chat is about the weather or 'when are you headed back?' I don't really care ...
Worst case scenario, you end up in their newly built home, 2 weeks after your holdiday, 'enjoying' a BBQ specially organised for you, to talk about the past holiday and look at hundreds of pictures while you are thinking to yourself "how the hell did I end up here?"..
Can I just give you this one good advice ?
Never ever give your phonenumber, emailaddress or (the stupidest of all) your home address !
It's very simple ; when I'm on holiday, leave me TF alone except you are the proud owner of a villa in Malibu or Sydney..


diane said...

I heartily agree with not talking to compatriots. Cute Hubby and I would cringe and run away when we heard other tourists like us. We would speak only in french so they would leave us alone.
Is it wrong that I really like the photo?

Vic said...

I've been sitting here in a hotel room reading what you wrote about hotel cleanliness, and "Amen"ing all over the place.

So far we've been lucky this trip. Fingers crossed. (That picture is hilarious.)